Never-There Dad (Poem)

Wrote a free-verse poem for an English assignment for a University class :)

NOTE: I have an amazing relationship with my father... This is for and about all those people who don't -- people I've grown up seeing in the group and foster home I was raised

There is some offensive language in this poem

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Never-There Dad

Am I saying you’re wrong?
I don’t think so
But it always makes me mad
Seeing motherless kids or children growing up with no dad

Don’t get confused
I’m not talking the tragedy happened
Kind of parentlessness

I’m talking the
Wasn’t there enough for their kids
And they never really ever knew
Their parents cared for them

The
Parenting is hard
I couldn't handle it

The
I didn't plan this

The
I was more important
Than you and your mother

Or the
I couldn't help myself
Around a man who wasn't your father

The
I was scared

The
I wasn’t there

You know
You don’t just recover from that shit
When you walked away
Baby in your lover’s arms
Snuck through the window of their hearts
Down the drain with the rest of the dirty rain
You tried to go so quietly

You snuck through the window of their hearts

But blood runs deep
And you seemed to think
Our love can’t keep

Like it’s not like wine
That blood red savor
Made better with time
You didn't think you could become some kids savior
Like you weren't good enough

Like the wine bottle wasn't thick enough
So you started to crack
Like the broken lines in the pavement
That you had tripped over each morning on your way to the car
You tripped, fumbled, and stumbled through the relationship
Until you closed the door
Turned in the key
Started the car
And drove faster than hell because that’s where it feels like you’re heading

With “What have I become” screeching in your head, and won’t stop repeating
Echoing
Like your Saturn’s radio and cd player you never fixed
That you were supposed to
When you fixed the DVD player

Only because you transferred all your VHS to DVD
To preserve all of your brittle memories
Screaming in your head like skipping CDs
What the hell am I be-fucking-coming!?

At least

That’s what would happen to me
That would crush the soul inside me

But maybe it just pulled a heart string

A tear or two scuffed your shoes
Laced with how easy it could be
To pull your soul
From this hell hole
Where things aren't easy

Running to greet another neglected responsibility

Am I saying you’re wrong?
I don’t think so
But it always makes me mad

That you think everything should be manageable
Like the
It’ll be better once I…
Insert shitty lie

I don’t know why
You think you should always be happy
Or have it so easy

You
Never really deserved it,
Honestly

And the people who have
Wouldn't want it any other way

They try to stop each hole
To seal the cracks
To save the wine
To make it back
The way it was

They only have it together
Because it looks like a kindergartner got in the craft cabinet
Glass wrapped in poorly placed tape
With dripping glue
And glitter on the sides

It never stays the same
You have to fight
You have to fight off the weather together

And when the bottle drops,
Sometimes the cloth from your shoes
Tied with your laces
Will hold it in place long enough for you to say
“That’ll do”

Sometimes you have to sacrifice
And realize
It’s not about you

Am I saying you’re wrong?
I don’t think so
But I’ll never be like you

I won’t be

A never-there dad